Thoughtful Nutmeg

Dear…

Dear dad…
The earliest memory I have of you is when I slept between you and mom. Edmond was not born yet. That means I was two years old or younger. That night, lightning and thunder played out beyond those windows and I felt relaxed.

You’re my dad, dad and I wished you were more than just my father.

I was always scared of you. Not because you beat us or anything like that. I was scared of you because you meant what you said, even if your heart was hurting. Yeah, I knew. I didn’t need mom to tell me that. I knew since I was young that you loved and cared for Edmond and I, but you had pride. You still have pride, but fortunately, you’re a lot better now than before and I thank you for evolving yourself for yourself, for us, for mom. Mom deserves this change.

Yes, sometimes, I wish I was more successful, earned more money, gave you and mom more money and effort, but I am me now and this is who I am with all my faults. I do wish I was different, but if I was different, I wouldn’t be me.

Mom said this to me once, as she put her hand gently on the side of my face, “You’re a good son. Too bad you just don’t make more money.” To a westerner’s thought, you may think she is being selfish. Alas no. She thinks with her heart. Her biggest worry is that when she is no longer here and my dad is no longer around, that I cannot take care of myself. I can, but it’s just that, I took one of the hardest routes possible.

If I was a dad, what would be my biggest worries for my children? I genuinely want them to be happy, secured, peaceful and of course, considerate and thoughtful.

—–

To the son or daughter I will never have:

Dear Son/Daughter…
I love you so much, you have no idea. If you are gay, heterosexual, bi, pan, whatever you are, I love you. To make me proud, is to make yourself proud.

-your dad

—–

I wish I can share with you what I see inside of here. Would you turn away like so many? Would you just ridicule because you’re so narrow minded? Would you deny me because I am not a part of your massive world?

Where are you Leeman? I miss you so much.

I can taste the music. It rolls off my tongue. I can sing it in my mind. It is… It is powerful. It is here in all of my mind.

That sword that protected me and that shield that kept them at bay…
You have done your duties. Now would you please let me go?

The years come and go and I thank you. You know who you are. ALL of you. I wish I can go back in time as a ‘spirit’ and shake the hand of a soldier that will fall, look him in his eyes and knowingly tell him that I appreciate him and his duty.

I am a Canadian, with parents born in Hong Kong because of you – all of you. I thank you. To those long gone, recently gone and still here: thank you. I thank you.

Dad, thank you.

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)