Thoughtful Nutmeg

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Tune: “Dying Away” by Alexandre Desplat
Drink: Painted Turtle Shiraz


Just a bit passed 32 years.

I am going to share a secret I have not told anyone. Patrick hates that I start sobbing out like a little boy crying for the first time after being hit by a train every time I get to a point of ‘no return’ when I get drunk. From the entries and the things I’ve told him in the past, he thinks my sadness comes from my hardships. Alas no, none of my sadness comes from that.

My mom has on many occasions told me that she doesn’t ever want me to feel burden with the things I go through in life. I told her on every single one of those occasions that I choose this path. The burden is a mental thing. I choose this, therefore, it is not a burden.

Everyone moves forward in their own little ways. Others faster. Many, slower. We see this every day, every single, every moment. The reason why we are here still in the dark ages is because so many of us cannot move any faster, look beyond this dreadful life we all share. I am no different, but I wish I was different. I wish I can move faster and see beyond this, but the problem is that no one is here to see it with me.

I often have dreams where I am alone, serving a very great cause, but my role has always been hidden and secretive. In my dreams, they are vivid and so real, I can feel the cool breeze against my skin, the ‘touch’ of another person, the faint sound of someone calling my name. My dreams are my nightmares and I have had them for so long, so very long. Since I was a toddler, I keep having these dreams and I cannot escape them.

I once dreamed that I had to make a decision to destroy the world with one button, so the world can restart.

I am sad because I live two lives. In one life, I serve a great cause and I have a lot of power, but I am always alone and I always fear for those close to me and I always segregate myself from them to protect them. In the other life, I am awake and I serve no one but myself and I have friends, family, Amber, my fantasies of cats and my music of course, but I stay close to them so I can watch them and aid when it seems they need it.

“Who am I?” is a question I HAVE NEVER once asked myself. Ever.

Who am I? What is my purpose? Where am I going? Where will I end up? Who will be there when I am dying?

In many sequences of my life, I have sought out religion, God, Gods, goddesses, the universe, everything that my will would allow me and ultimately this is what I am and these are my ideals: I have one life to live. I KNOW for a fact I have one life to live. When a knife cuts me, I bleed. When that van hit me, I could have died but instead, lost vision in one eye. When someone punches me, it hurts and I get a bruise, but no where in my life have I experienced a voice that booms out to me and everyone and say: “You have more to one life”. I have one life and I love my mom, my dad, my brother, my friends, Amber.

I cannot stand the idea that I will lose my mom one day and this makes me very sad. I know she is hiding things from me, but she won’t tell me what it is and I act like it’s like every other day. Honestly, I don’t know how to deal with this.

Must be nice to be selfish.

I ‘should’ have become a musician.

Okay… What can I do? What can I do to help this problem I have? I know the answer. I always know the answer. That’s what Pat said to me, at least paraphrased anyway.

I know what to do, but I am not there yet. I think I will be there soon, but it’s still hard for me regardless.

So what is it? It’s just that I see it, but so many just don’t. I know this is silly, but… /sigh Never mind.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)