Thoughtful Nutmeg

Every day

Every day I am worried sick that my most stable client will pull the plug on our business arrangement. I charge her very little comparatively to my other work, but she has been the most stable client for the last year. Without her pay cheque, I wouldn’t have been able to make it this far. I think it could be said it was by fluke I received this contract with her for the last 12 months, but at the same time, I could also say that it’s by the will of the Heavens that I received such luck.

I hope that my most stable client will at least employ me for one more year. No “buts”. I just need her to employ me for another year. I know that her own business isn’t good, but I’m already trying my best to build up her business. She needs a sales person because she herself isn’t a good business person and I’m basically the ‘tool maker’.

There are so many ailments in my life that make me worry on a daily basis like my health, Amber’s immigration and income. I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t think about them and leave it to when the time actually comes to face them, but I cannot help it.

I am worried that Amber and my relationship being long distance and haven’t seen each other in person for over two years becomes a problem, even though we met each other in person on two different occasions spanning four weeks. Even though we’ve had this romantic relationship for over five years with a lot of evidence to support our relationship, I fear that the Visa Officer will be a douche bag and demand Amber go to Vienna for an interview and/or just deny her application. All of this cost time and money. Time and money that I really don’t have much of.

I am worried about my health. This on-and-off pain in the upper right side of my abdomen that no blood test, stool sample, urine test, x-ray, CT scan and ultrasound has detected any problems. I worry that it’s my fatty liver dying on me. I worry that it has something to do with my colon like cancer. I worry that it could be my pancreas, spleen or kidneys. Maybe it’s my bladder or stomach. I don’t know and it hurts.

This year’s income was good enough from many different places, but next year’s income seems grim. Let’s just hope that my most stable client will continue to employ me for the next year and let’s hope that my health will improve. Just as well, I really hope Amber’s permanent resident application gets approved and comes here next year. I really need her and I really need to start the next milestone of our life together. It has been too long that we are apart and too long that I feel sick of worry.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)