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The Last Few Steps

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3:17am

[“Kirara” by Eitetsu Hayashi & Kaoru Wada]

This song doesn’t really suit my mood at the moment, but I put it on to help create a nostalgic feeling. Unfortunately, it’s not working. This is probably due to the spicy ginger ice-cream I am eating right now. It’s interesting really. Would I buy it again? Probably not. 8]

So today is Sunday May 14th, 2006. I have completed the FTX UI. Benny came over around 10:15pm to give me the code to plug into the various spots. I also had to tweak a few areas, shorten the transitions, animations, and fix some bugs here and there. Though this wasn’t a one-man project, I was the only one doing the front-end. It is very nice to have this feeling back – to have the opportunity to start, continue, and complete it all within the alotted time-frame Ray gave us to do.

As said, I wasn’t able to meet their standards, especially my historical standards for almost all of last year and for the first three months of this year. I almost completely feel like I am up to par with what we have to do. I don’t know about you, but I feel good in a tired and satisfyingly fulfilling way that I completed this portion of the project by myself, to the close-standards of my past records.

It’s late as usual. You should have seen me working on this yesterday! I didn’t go to bed until around 5:40am! Today however, I have to go to bed earlier, as I have a meeting with the team at 10am for a couple of hours. There’s a good chance we’ll be loading the project into the prototype machine and have a hands-on testing experience. I am tired but at the same time, calmly excited. Stop grinning at my oxymoron’s! 8]

[“Aerith’s Theme (Piano Version)” – FF7 AC OST]

You know, a few days ago, I thought what if I had a chance to go back in time and change some things? I thought, what if I was able to go back to September 6th, 1994 at 7:30am and chose NOT to ride my bike to school that morning, then a van wouldn’t have hit me, and lose sight in my right eye. Then I thought, this would have been a tough choice to make, because to this day, I still think that if I hadn’t gotten into that accident, I would have been stuck in that ‘lost, semi-quasi, demigod, depressive boy’ who never ‘got the chance’ to grow-up and take responsibility. In short, to never realize my ambitions and go for the things I desired as a whole.

I think I would never have had the chance to build character, refine my talents, and define my serving purpose in this world. I would never have found my confidence, to speak in the manner I can let my voice be heard, and to learn to lend my ear and compassion to those who seek such things. I think I would never really have grown up in many ways.

In case you never wonder, yes, I can feel that my right eye is mostly blinded. It is a ‘curse’ that from time to time remind me that there are more things in life than myself. That is why I don’t take risks that jeopardize my own life, though I REALLY wanted to get into motorcycling, base jumping, and basically all the risky sports, but I have a family to take care of. I have a company to serve. I have friends to be there for.

I may be a boring person, but well… I think I’ll leave myself to be boring then. Of course there are more meanings in these two sentences than the text that preaches them. However, I’ll leave those thoughts to myself.

[“Voices” by Yoko Kanno]

I dreamt that I could fly, with a little bit of difficulty, but I could fly, high and around and around… Unfortunately, I no longer remember most of my dreams.

4:00am

2 thoughts on “The Last Few Steps”

  1. That’s awesome that you realize your blessing in disguise. Btw, did you write that “Spring” character? 😀

    Reply

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Disclaimer

Concepts from Leemanism has as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the people I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other. It is also highly unusual for people to be fully supportive of each other, even if they say they do.

Common society expects self-respect to be a concept you enforce on yourself, while solely adhering to what common society dictates as being right. However, self-respect in fact, is doing what pleases you, while not permitting others to disrespect you, and when they do, you cut them out of your life. Don't let common society gaslight you into believing the self-respect you have for yourself should be dictated by common society's views on morality. Self-respect is the individual's right to live as they desire - not what common society deems as acceptable. Too often, people succumb to the weight of the world, dismissing their individual value, to try to fit in and be accepted. If you are the type of person who tries to fit in with common society, under the fantasy you are also an unique 'weird' person of your own thoughts, then I dare say, you're delusional. Everyone says they rather be weird, but when challenged, they retreat back into their social shells, doing everything they can to deflect self accountability.

That's utterly boring.

However, at the same time, I also understand that some people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land and before common society try to lynch them for what they are. Even if your ideals may be right, society will more often than not, deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you.

So with that said, we are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)

I am one of the few I am one of the many