The Way You Dream Sometimes

1:27am

[“Deep Reflections” – Blended]

I feel so dried-out that I haven’t ridden my bike since Saturday, and haven’t gone to the gym since Friday. [sigh]

So I finally went and cancelled all of my accounts with sites that I joined about two or so months ago. No, not porn sites. You know what? It’s really not me. There is a very awesome reason why Albert, Jon, Laura, Patrick, and so on are close to me, even if sometimes, they might not want to. 8] Being myself truly is how I have always been. For whatever I have been doing, actively opening myself up to new rendezvous of the questionable nature and of the open-ended friendship sort of things are just not the things I would find myself doing ever. It gave me a different buzz and for a very short while, it was kinda fun too, but in the end of this super short road, I just can’t bring myself to continue this silliness. I don’t know how other people can do it. It’s just not my thing.

It’s a week short of three months since we broke up. It hasn’t been that long, but it feels as though a long time has passed between us. Looking at the calendar makes me think, makes me reminiscent on things long passed. Of course these things are unavoidable, but reading up on DC.org threads, I believe I have the better end of this entire ordeal. It just wasn’t initially apparent.

[“A Present To Mr. Ma” – Moodorama]

Fortunately, I’m quick to get back on my two feet.

Back in high school, I had to help myself back up most of the time, with the indirect support of my friends at the time. This time around, for the last few years, indeed, the continuing days have always been just myself bringing my being back on top of things, but the thing is, the initial first step were a bunch of hands reaching down to get me. Thank you. [bows]

In the last nearly 3 months, more so in the last month, I had the chance to experiment a bit and experience a different ‘group’ of people. In one perspective, I am protected here, having my brothers and sisters to act as my shield, and I as their spear if I can. In another perspective, because they all have such strong characteristics that hold them together, even in the most hair-raising scenerios, I feel as though I can put myself on near equal footing as they do. Thus, I automatically can reconfirm my singular stance in this world.

In short, I feel powerful internally. However others perceive me externally, is like a generic mind impatiently observing a ‘chaotic’ painting or ‘abstract’ clay and wired piece. We are indeed mature for our time, even ten years ago. It’s a strange feeling I have to admit that our maturity is catching up fast to our ages. By the time we’re in our early thirties, our maturity would be on-par with our ages, then there wouldn’t be anything ‘special’ about our thought processes.

I wasn’t mature enough to handle any form of intimacy on a serious level about 6 years ago, but at the very least, I could hold myself. Now, 6 years later, can I handle a form of intimacy on a serious level? Yes, but I am not ready for it. Not because a ‘recent’ break-up, but because I am not financially free to do so. I am not tradtional in many ways, but there are a few things I will always do that the majority of people my age will never do. Without getting into details, the most important thing is to make sure my parents are safe and secured.

How can I go out there and date, go fuck women, and screw around at lounges and bars when my parents rely on me to help them out through troubled times? The only things I am ‘sacrificing’ is my freedom and my own life which I crave on a constant basis. I long to be free, out there, in my own place, driving my own car, doing some of things I’ve always wanted to do, save my money and invest, experiment, travel, learn and train myself, and so on and so forth.

[“Silence” – Vargo]

One gripe I have with the world today is that people lack the concept of duty and responsibility. I am indeed born into the wrong era. At the very least, I am born into the wrong setting.

Alas, I cannot do anything much right now to change anything.

From tonight onwards, I will continue to live up to my duties and my responsibilities that my family has set upon me, as well as the criteria that my company has commanded me to do. I am reminding myself that the world is an extremely ugly rotten place. As these next few words pour out of my mind, through my finger tips and into this virtual diary, as primitive as word and text are, I’ll say anyway that there has never been anything that I appreciate more than to those whom have always been close to my heart.

Even when the bulk of you have moved away from this place and now live so far away, I can constantly feel your heart and spirit next to mine. I see thousands of threads on DC.org speaking about the ‘evils’ of friendship, betrayal, and adultery, and having my recent experiences happen to me, it all just allowed me to appreciate everyone so much more.

[“The Way You Dream” – Asha Bhosie & Michael Stipe]

If only I was limitless in my energy, then I can exert my all to you. Unfortunately as I have said earlier, I have duties and responsibilities. Just remember that if any of you need me, I am always around for you. You know where I am, how to reach me, and you know that I will be there for you. However, if you’re a flight away, it might take some effort and possibly time to get to you… 8]

[“Solar Ascension” – Al-Pha-X]

^^ I’m a huge fan of tall ships, man-o-wars, ship-of-the-lines, etc – circa British Navy 17th to 18th century. These pictures were taken at different locations around the globe. The ship is indeed the Rose from Master and Commander.

BTW, excellent chilled-out song with a very sensual beat. Very delicious. 8]

2:19am