Voices in the Wind

1:27am

[“Voices” by Yoko Kanno]

The last few weeks has been quite productive. The last of the FTX UI is under way. I feel tired. It’s about time the FTX project comes to a close. After dawdling (on my end) since September 2005, I believe that my production criteria for the past few weeks has been quite good. I estimate that the amount of work I did was about 1000% to 2000%.

In the time that Cindy and I dated in the questionable months between March 2005 to March 2006, my output level was about 15% of what I used to do when we first started dating. In late 2005, my output level was about 40% of what I used to do. Then of course, as the months before that, early 2006 produced about 25%.

When we broke up for the second time in late August 2005, I remember she told me that a lot of men/boys go to the gym and work-out after a break-up, to try to make themselves physically more desireable, etc. She said to me something like, “But they don’t get that it most likely has nothing to do with how big they look.” Doesn’t that sound contradictory to what she did to me?

In the past year, I completely stopped weight training, cycling, and almost all other forms of outdoor sports. It wasn’t because I wanted to quit, but 100% of that was because I tried to figure out what was wrong between us, and when I found out what was wrong between us, I tried to do things to make her happy. Of course, I don’t have to say everything all over again here.

It’s just like earlier today, when my dad was angry and frustrated at something that I will not talk about here. Like I mentioned at an earlier entry, he felt “mmm fun hei”. Just like what I am feeling now towards Cindy. I feel very “mmm fun hei”. It’s just that she did so many negative things towards me, and afterwards, she kept on telling people how I am this and that, and the most frustrating thing is that they all believe her.

In today’s modern world, we can’t amass troops, build forts, and declare war on our neighbors. In today’s world, as individuals, we can only strive to become powerful individuals in the corporate world, or in some cases, powerful individuals in religious organizations or unions, and so on.

[“Santi-U (Eva Mix)” – Yoko Kanno]

It’s just so frustrating that I am accused of such acts of dishonor, when they themselves are the ones who are questionable in the first place. How unfortunate for me. I still question as to the purpose of my relationship with her. Why did it happen? Was it a test? I can think of many answers, but I still question it.

Today, I woke up around 12:30pm, then started on the FTX UI Alpha2 around 2pm. Between then and just before I started this entry, I took 3 breaks – 30 minutes to watch some re-runs of Bleach and Samurai 7, an hour to eat dinner and talk about the thing my dad was frustrated and angry about, then another hour to go to the gym. I’ve been working my ass off, lower, mid, and upper back is killing me. I spent friggin 9 hours on ONE SCREEN. Yes, ONE FRIGGIN SCREEN in the FTX UI Alpha2. OMGOSH!

That’s 9 hours excluding the breaks. Wow. I can’t wait until tomorrow night when Ed, Albert, and I goes to Shabusen for dinner and drinks. It’ll just be the three of us. I actually don’t like Shabusen because of a memory with Cindy there. Not that we were there once together, but because she accused me of something she misunderstood. [fucking sigh]

Hey I kept the swearing to a bare minimum!

Anyway, I need beer in my room. My own fridge with a hundred cans of beer would be nice, or a keg… Mmmm….

After this entry, I have to go type up my FTX UI Alpha0, Alpha1, and Alpha2 report for Ray. Then I’ll go to my meeting tomorrow at 3:30pm, and we’ll talk about the Executive Summary, along with my report, and Jason’s and Benny’s reports.

I was just thinking before I started this entry, that the CEO of Solaris (or was it Cisco?) is 51 this year and recently stepped down. He became CEO of that company at age 29 – 22 years ago in 1984. Right now, I am 27. In 22 years, I will be 49. It’s likely I will be Razor’s official Creative Director in the near future, then possibly an Executive Creative Director or maybe even the Chief Creative Officer in the further future. That is of course, if FTX does make it…

[sighs]

It’s just that, it has been a long hard journey. In less than 8 years, I’ve gone through quite a lot business-wise. On top of that, I’ve gone through enough intimate relationships to finally get a feel of what is out there, and how to avoid it. As well, to keep my brothers and sisters as close as possible, to never abandon them for anything nor for anyone. In the last 8 years, I’ve learned to be so much more compassionate, and still give my blunt opinion and advice. I also learned to be a responsible person, to respect those who have laboured with their hands and minds, to believe in my principles, adjust for better ethics, and to look at things in many different angles.

I think, the thing I should learn now, is to let negatives go, even when they are happening out of my reach and out of my control right now. The thing I should learn to do is not take revenge. Especially when it’s the type my demons desire. Cindy may announce me as the bastard who embarrasses her for some fucked up reason, and her confessions of desiring superficial looks and other related concepts – those things that make up for her demons, protecting her own image, to portray me as the one who hurt her [anger]… However, my demons are far more profound, and more vengeful. [ponders] Indeed.

No, I must calm down. Today, most of the day, I worked but I also thought about what she has done and is doing to me, even from such a distance. How I long to not believe I am the victim here and move on, but I can’t. I feel that even if the FTX project generates success in the future, and everything becomes stable within my family, I would not be completely satisfied. I will still feel very “mmm fun hei”. The pro-corporate in me, along with access to questionable allies, brothers, and friends of sorts…

NO! I must not think like that. No no no… I just want to be a good person. I just want to do what I need to do to stabilize my family, and to aid my brothers and sisters in what they want to do.

[sigh]

The internal battles never cease.

BTW, a MASSIVE change of plans… Unfortunately, I cannot go to Hong Kong in July/August this year. Which sucks because I have loved to go sight-seeing with Laura and her friend. Damn! I would also rather go to HK this year than AFTER Cindy and her friends go late next year. I wanted to go this year, because I wanted to go there when her disgusting spirit hasn’t touched my ‘motherland’. It’s a mental principle that I doubt many would understand.

Anyway, it’s passed 2am. I have to go do my report, then get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day. [grins] A general and his four captains… I wonder what type of power and compassion I may be able to wield in the future? Hopefully, the moral principles of a warrior will deter me from such demonic ideals, and instead, sway me in the direction of good morals.

[ponders]

[“Information High” – Yoko Kanno]

2:09am