Thoughtful Nutmeg

Where the wind takes me

Tune: “Sun + Moon = Tomorrow” by Ivana Santilli
Drink: Bombay Sapphire Gin
Mood: Worried but calm


Lately, I’ve been getting glimpses of long lost emotions that resurface for roughly 5 seconds and disappear. Those are the sort of emotions I miss a lot. I am willing to give up a part of my ending days for a way to get myself tuned to those emotions again.

It’s unfortunate that Amber has been having migraines lately, as I was on two occasions in the mood to shed layers of my core to her. Alas, after searching endlessly for a perfect tune and feeling sleepy, I’ve lost that motivation for the most part and must resort to shedding them here. One of my fantasies is to have someone who is able to grab bits and pieces of my core and form their own artwork from it, then share it with me. Like I said: there are no wrong answers, even if the answer may not be the correct one. For the most part, I enjoy my rendezvous with Amber, but often times, I wish she had a stronger artistic disposition with her own psychological empowerment – her own mental/emotional paint brush. Sometimes, I find myself asking: “Where do we go from here?” On the surface, we are progressing towards being ‘permanently’ physically together, but I want more.

You know how many people say they “want more” and they often mean they want more emotional security and/or financial stability? Well, those things are obvious factors in any intimate relationship that strives for a long term/forever together sort of relationship. My “want more” is: “I want more of her being her”. Alas, that statement in itself is contradictory if seen from a superficial standpoint.

Some people are very attached to social values and often detach themselves from their personal values. A lot of people associate personal morals to the text of the law which I find to be utterly ridiculous because laws differ from city to city, state to state, province to province, country to country. For example, Pink J used to tell me things based on how society interprets his views and he did his best to beat around the bush ‘answering’ my questions. These days, after he got to know me more, his answers have become more personal and true to his core, rather than social.

That’s why I don’t connect very well with people whom are very attached to universal standards and interpretations. I find it very restrictive to a point where often times I feel I am not talking to a multi-faceted person. Instead it feels like I am talking to a sales person trying to sell their social integration to me.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)