Thoughtful Nutmeg

Words of encouragement

Tune: “Stall Out” by Mutemath
Drink: Bombay Sapphire Gin
Mood: Upset, but holding it together quite calmly

[audio:stallout_mm.mp3]

Patrick often puts up motivational quotes on his Facebook. He also follows other photographers, models, designers and business-minded people on Twitter as a sort of self-help agency. I have never really tried his method, which a lot of people do resort to doing, but I have considered it. Alas, what puts me off is the idea that motivational quotes can only apply to me if I have not thought of it first. So far, the most powerful quotes originated from people long gone from our world. My mom has tried using motivational words with me and all I could do most of the time is just listen and nod, but they’re not things I align myself with. However, I am not a pessimist. If I have to assign myself labels, I am an expressively optimistic person who logically weigh out the realities of the issues.

At this moment in time, I find myself completely swallowed up in this issue I am facing. On one hand, I have a partner who constantly reminds me that he has the key to the clients and will pull out at any time if he feels there is no point to having our company. On the other hand, I have a partner who constantly cannot meet deadlines. I have been asking myself lately why it seems like every time i finally seem to be getting a break from the mundane and wretchedness of the world, that something like this happens? These aren’t obstacles that I can just work around with. These are the sort of obstacles that is completely out of my control.

About ten years ago, my mom was washing dishes in the kitchen and she said to me, “You walk such a hard path and as your mother, I am heavily pained to watch you go through all that you do.” I broke down at the dinner table.

I am both lucky and unlucky. I am lucky to have met people who have the skill and talent and under normal circumstances, work well together, but at the same time, problems associated to these people keep coming back to slap me in the face.

So how do I keep myself from breaking down? I will tell you it’s really tough because I often feel as though I am at the brink of shattering. I keep it together because I need to show my parents they need not worry about me. They do enough worrying. Plus, my mom and dad has gone through enough crap. I do not want to add that extra burden on them.

However, just because words can’t help me, music does. It will not help me with my issues, but it helps stop or slow down me from breaking down. I know it’s just a matter of time, but hopefully when I do, it’s away from everyone.

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)