Tune: “Sun + Moon = Tomorrow” by Ivana Santilli
Drink: Bombay Sapphire Gin
Mood: Worried but calm
Lately, I’ve been getting glimpses of long lost emotions that resurface for roughly 5 seconds and disappear. Those are the sort of emotions I miss a lot. I am willing to give up a part of my ending days for a way to get myself tuned to those emotions again.
It’s unfortunate that Amber has been having migraines lately, as I was on two occasions in the mood to shed layers of my core to her. Alas, after searching endlessly for a perfect tune and feeling sleepy, I’ve lost that motivation for the most part and must resort to shedding them here. One of my fantasies is to have someone who is able to grab bits and pieces of my core and form their own artwork from it, then share it with me. Like I said: there are no wrong answers, even if the answer may not be the correct one. For the most part, I enjoy my rendezvous with Amber, but often times, I wish she had a stronger artistic disposition with her own psychological empowerment – her own mental/emotional paint brush. Sometimes, I find myself asking: “Where do we go from here?” On the surface, we are progressing towards being ‘permanently’ physically together, but I want more.
You know how many people say they “want more” and they often mean they want more emotional security and/or financial stability? Well, those things are obvious factors in any intimate relationship that strives for a long term/forever together sort of relationship. My “want more” is: “I want more of her being her”. Alas, that statement in itself is contradictory if seen from a superficial standpoint.
Some people are very attached to social values and often detach themselves from their personal values. A lot of people associate personal morals to the text of the law which I find to be utterly ridiculous because laws differ from city to city, state to state, province to province, country to country. For example, Pink J used to tell me things based on how society interprets his views and he did his best to beat around the bush ‘answering’ my questions. These days, after he got to know me more, his answers have become more personal and true to his core, rather than social.
That’s why I don’t connect very well with people whom are very attached to universal standards and interpretations. I find it very restrictive to a point where often times I feel I am not talking to a multi-faceted person. Instead it feels like I am talking to a sales person trying to sell their social integration to me.