Tune: “Pagan Poetry” by Bjork
Drink: Bombay Sapphire Gin
Mood: Sleepy
Not too long ago, Amber and I got into an argument in which she felt I was trying to mold her into my ideal lover. I wasn’t. The issue wasn’t hers. The issue was mine. Everyone whom have followed my blog since the beginning ‘should’ know that direct communication isn’t my forte when trying to explain/decipher my core, since the majority of my thoughts cannot be addressed with a simple “yes” or “no” statement. My thoughts are not so linear. I am not a computer and my thoughts are not ones and zeroes.
I have an ocean of various blues and bits of orange globes floating, sunk and hovering in and around it. The issue was that Amber wanted to ‘understand’ and get a glimpse of my core. I thought it would be wonderful if I could show her this core, as I have tried with numerous others, including Patrick who sensitively ‘debated’ with me on it. The problem is that others assume that things are “ones and zeroes”, that things have a beginning and have some form of end.
Simply put: there is no beginning and there is no end. Which river of the millions of rivers does the ocean start from? Which island does the ocean end at?
As I tried to explain this concept to her, I became frustrated because I tried and not because she couldn’t grasp it. I knew at the start, when she started doing exactly how others have reacted, that I had failed my communication with her. It wasn’t her fault. It was simply mine. I didn’t know how to explain to her that to get a grasp, one must not “start somewhere”. Rather, one must “be everywhere” or possibly even “no where”.
When people think of the sun, they usually think of rays of the sun. They don’t actually think that the sun creeps into every crevice of the universe directly and indirectly. There are no ‘rays’. Only filtering systems like clouds and fingers and tree tops make rays.
My core constantly shines. It also is a very heavy burden of super awareness. I find that the more I try to keep in touch with my social humanity, the more I feel discomforted. Like I am being dismembered.
You know what I like about myself? I love wearing dark shades of colours, preferably gray, black, charcoal and deep brown – earthy metallic shades. I like high collar jackets, dress pants and shoes, long jackets and soft gloves with some grip. I dislike wearing jewelry. You will very rarely see me wear rings and earrings. I might wear a jade pendant held by a simple red string. I hate wrist watches. I love classic Gin martinis. I love tall thick glass windows. I like to listen to my friends interact and they will never ask me why I am so quiet, because they know better than to ask.
Amber asked me recently how I see Albert and I told her that I still consider him my brother, but we are not friends and this simple statement pretty much should explain my entire character. Unfortunately, the vast majority of this world would not be able to grasp this concept at all. Thus, I ‘must’ stay in touch with my social humanity.
Some of my friends may wonder, “Why do you *need* to?” Well, isn’t that obvious? How else are you going to be able to talk to me as if I’m not some social reject who seem to ‘speak my own language’? If I allow my inner self to take over my entirety, I will not be able to function professionally, let alone “keep in touch with the rest of you”.
Indeed, I have my own ideal partnerships, but that is my core ‘speaking’. It gets vastly lonely in there, but I feed it now and then, with alcohol, beautiful music and self induced doses of nostalgic sadness.
This is another thing, ‘most’ people automatically assume that sadness is a bad thing. For me, like everything, there is a balance. Without sadness, there is no motivation for happiness. Without loss, there is no appreciation for the things you gain. I enjoy sadness as much as I do happiness. Maybe that’s why I seem to be especially hard on those closest to me, because I get impatient and frustrated that they cannot see this aspect of life. It feels as though many people are superficially aligned to pain and happiness, but at the same time, logic kicks in and I can see that they have their own…
It doesn’t matter. I lost myself. Rather, my words for this explanation became redundant and meaningless.
In some ways, I ‘wish’ that Amber can gather up the orange globes in the ocean and use them to help ‘stabilize’ my core, but naturally. Like I used to say, I know how to solve every ‘problem’ out there, so long as I have power over it. Fears, dilemmas, obstacles <- these are all factors that can be wiped away to achieve a solution. It all comes down to method and relative outcome. Therefore, I know exactly what is 'required' to 'stabilize' my core. You might wonder: "Why don't you do it yourself?" Simply put: Why should I? I don't need to. You might also wonder: "If you don't need to, why mention it?" Answer: This is a 'riddle' I hope she can solve on her own. Otherwise, I already have the answer. In fact, I developed 'the answer' a long time ago in the form of an ideal that has no beginning and no end. Alas, I don't need Amber to solve anything. In fact, I do not expect her to and I do not expect anyone to. There has been two people that came 'close' to solving it so far, but I disallowed them that opportunity. I have my own reasons. In a 'twisted' way, it reflects this song's meaning.