All That Glitters, Is Not Gold

6:03am

Tune: “Preliator” by Globus

Typing/writing while having some song blast in the background isn’t quite the same as when reading the same entry, because one tend to concentrate less on the words of the entry and divert a part of that attention to the song itself.

Not always, but this song has lyrics.

Good song though.

So this got me thinking after I thought back on a segment of my conversation with Jon last night while at Dozo’s. At my ripen age of 28, nearing 29, the top 5 questions I get asked the most often in a period between our first introduction to our third meeting by interested females are – in no particular order:

1) What do you do for a living?
2) Do you live by yourself?
3) Are you close with your parents?
4) What is your blood type?
5) Do you like [insert species of human – eg: caucasian] women?

These questions come during and after being physically, psychologically, and intellectually attracted. I usually try to avoid question 1. As for question 4, I don’t keep track of my blood type, because firstly, why would I? And second, it wouldn’t matter anyway.

As for question 5, once they ask that sort of question, it becomes quite obvious as to where they are going, but I can’t lie about it.

For question 2 and 3, I always give a prior smirk before answering. However, for those who know me from elsewhere and come here as a lurker, I will tell you that I am indeed close with my mom at the least, and I will protect her and look after my family no matter what. As for do I live by myself? No, I live with my parents.

Now my thoughts coinciding #2 and #3…

Tune: “Mighty Rivers Run” by Globus

A lot of people I know believe that as individuals, their own freedom and happiness come before their family’s. Even if they do not wholely believe that, their actions condone personal freedom and happiness above everything else. This doesn’t mean that they will take trips to Mexico while their parents suffer from the bank claiming their assets – not all anyway.

Some of my friends and colleagues pay rent to live in the basement or the shed of their parents property. Whenever I hear this, I feel foreign to that idea. To me, I cannot grasp that. I don’t understand it.

Roughly 7 years ago, at my worst, my mom said to me in Cantonese, “Son, no matter where you go, where you are, and whom you’re with, this is your home. If your castle falls to ruins, don’t be ashame to come back here. As parents, we never hold grudges for long, even when our children seem to hold theirs against us.”

To those who don’t have that sort of relationship with your family, you may think I made that up, but you just simply don’t understand. Just as I can never understand why you need to pay rent to your parents.

For example, when I net roughly $1000 per month back in the day, I gave $720 to my family for groceries and other expenses they may have. My mom’s most common comment to me was, “Do you have enough for yourself? Take some back. We don’t need so much.”

$720/month was NOT a lot, so I knew they were lying when they didn’t need so much. I knew their overhead. When they’re asleep, I go into my dad’s drawers to check his bank statements and bills and such.

Last year, a girl told me that my parents should not have to burden their children with their debts, that their debts were ultimately their irresponsibility, and should have been more considerate, etc, etc. Yes, that’s true that it was irresponsible on their part, but what she didn’t realize was why it became ‘irresponsible’.

For example, since I was a baby, my dad has had numerous grand schemes. I won’t name them here, but he went through so many of them. Why? Because he wanted to make more money – more money to better his family’s living conditions. My dad was never scared of any of the endeavors he took, but the problem was he wasn’t a good sales person at all. So after having a seafood and bbq grocery shop and a house mortgage in the 80’s, some other debts, etc, our family got into those lingering ‘problems’. Of course, my dad was also greedy. It was part of his personality, but he meant well.

People don’t understand that there are factors that made me choose this path. It’s not solely sentimental. There are other psychological ailments that I am ‘cursed’ with that has allowed me to become the ‘champion’ of my family, or in more modern terms, the ‘breadwinner’.

Do not think this is an admirable thing. This is the type of thing that I personally think should be automatic. I struggled for years to find a compromise between being able to support my family as well as keeping a part of my own freedom and happiness.

I may seem pretty easy going on many fronts, but I am extremely stubborn when it comes to my career path and what I give to my family.

Back at DC, someone replied that a momma’s boy make bad husbands. I think that is true because the guy will mostly listen to the mom more than the wife. In my case, I will tell you now that I have always stood my own ground. Just because I am close to my mom, I am not a momma’s boy, BUT I will forfeit everything else for my family if I have to.

[ponders]

I seem to suddenly recall Michelle appearing beside my right ear and screaming “WHAT ARE YOU DOING LI?!?!?”

Now, for my deeper feelings on this…

Sometimes, I think back on my various intimate relationships and think that there was really no point in having serious relationships with anyone. Like Keisuke, as much as my heart probably wants both, the real focus is really the one that is more important to me right now. Since what is the most important to me right now will continue to be important, nothing else will ever take precedence over it.

When our parents are well off, or at least, can take care of themselves, it’s great. Then as a child, we will never have to worry about them except whether they are healthy, and if they are happy. Also, that same girl who commented on the irresponsibility of my parents burdening their children, had also said that as an adult, I shouldn’t have to call my parents to tell them I’m okay, or that I should be able to do whatever I want without them nagging at me.

I don’t know about you and your parents, but have you ever heard of “easing their worries?” They are aging people. My mom is 54 and my dad is 61 whom both have worked hard lives to give my brother and I a much better standard of living than what they were used to. You may think that once you reach 18, you can go out and party, fuck around, and drink til your liver becomes a rotting blob, but have you ever once thought about what your parents had to go through to bring you to this world, then care for you and love you and consider you for the rest of their lives?

Let’s say I make 30% more than what I am making now, and I buy my own place and move out. I will probably buy an apartment or a townhouse in central or southern Richmond – the same city my parents live. Far enough to have my own privacy, but close enough to ease their worries and be home for the weekends for mom’s yummy fig and carrot soup. If I move out, I will have a lot more freedom to do what I want, but I will never do anything to jeopardize the security and welfare of my family.

Aren’t any of these things automatic for you? Do you prize your own happiness and your own freedom that much to abandon your parents financially, emotionally, and sentimentally?

I don’t get it. Unless of course, your parents were bad parents. Then again, when I was a teenager, I had daily verbal arguments with my mom. It wasn’t until after high school, through the worst period in my life seven years ago, and the slow and unstable development I had in the last five years, that molded me this way. When I was younger, I felt that my parents and everyone didn’t bother trying to understand me. Today, I know that 99% of the people that know me, including my parents still don’t understand me, BUT the difference between then and now is that now, I don’t need anyone to understand me. I only need to understand myself. What I’ve learned was to train myself to speak less and listen more.

Take these entries for example, I type here as rants mainly. Do I expect anyone to read these? Actually I do – having roughly thirty thousand to fifty thousand hits per month – someone is bound to read something. What I mean is that, do I expect anyone to actually read any of this shit and try to understand it? No, not a bit. I treat these as much as if I was walking alone at a park somewhere, mumbling to myself, or etching notes on tree trunks and benches, so many months and years later, I may stumble upon them again and whether it be sad or happy, it will bring me a smile.

Anyhow, honestly though, sometimes, I do feel like I have and am missing out on meeting and finding someone interesting and attractive. However, I also know that ever since this realization and choice of path, I have ‘automatically’ sabotaged my chances for interested and interesting potentials to connect with me further. Some are passing fancies, other, I find genuinely attractive and attracted, but regardless of the person and the connection, something in me always make it a mission to screw it up.

On one lingering hand, it builds up regret as the future unfolds before me. On the other steadier hand, I know that I have and am fulfilling a personal mission.

As with a previous private entry, I mentioned that I am one person, armoured, with shield and sword battling an onslaught of demons forever. That was a metaphor for warily fighting my libido and other naughty mischievous desires with the more principled aspect of myself. Then earlier last evening with Jon, I mentioned that it sucks that it is difficult to differentiate between what my dick wants versus what my heart wants. Then I exclaimed that they can simply be one and the same as well. However, with that said, there is still ‘that’ confusion, whether I want someone because of who they are, or do I want that person because my dick wants her.

Then on a completely separate front, it seems as though I am almost following this path religiously.

Someone screams at me from the background, “YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!!”

Actually, you don’t think enough.

[thinks for a bit]

The point in fact is really that I don’t make enough that covers both my family and my own desired lifestyle. If only my brother helps out a bit.

So that ends my rant.

7:32am