Thoughtful Nutmeg

Not there when I should be

In the past, when I was with Cindy, she told me that I wasn’t there with her when her mom was in the hospital. That was back in the beginning of 2005. This one stuck with me since then. Recently, my wife told me she wished I was at the funeral with her when her family attended a funeral for her aunt’s daughter, whom died from a miscarriage. That made me feel very down because I should have been there and it reminded me of what Cindy told me.

In my mind, sometimes, I imagine if my mom or my wife would be blinded somehow and they aimlessly wander around, with their arms extended, walking around, bumping into things. Just alone and no one to help them, terrified. It breaks my heart to have that thought in my head and it makes me feel so useless.

Recently, I saw a video on Youtube of the dance group named Attraction and during a semi-final on Great Britain’s Got Talent, they performed one about a guy growing up with the love of his mother, then later, the love of his wife. At the end of that show, the mom was on a hospital bed whom the son picked up and she died in his arms. It ended well with the wife showing up being pregnant.

All these things melded together and I could not stop thinking about how useless I am. It is not just the thought of either my mom or my wife being blinded and terrified, aimlessly walking around alone, but the fact that I should be able to take care of them. I am my mother’s son and I am the husband of my wife. When I want something completely, then it becomes a need. I want to take care of them. I need to.

When my mom is not tall enough to get something from the upper shelf, I will be there for her. When her back is aching, I will vacuum, do the dishes, the laundry, sweep the floor, clean up. If she needs someone to drive her to the store, then I will. Heck, even if she doesn’t need it, I will. It’s the same with my wife. When she wakes up to nightmares or a bad sleep, I will be there to fix her up some tea or coffee. When she comes home from a day of work, I will be there to pamper her. When she wants to relax, I’ll get her a new book to read, some hot drink and turn some music on in the background she likes. I will make sure in her transition in moving here to be with me, the whole thing is as smooth as possible and will make sure to keep her connected to her family back in Germany as much as possible.

Displaced, not misplaced.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)