Thoughtful Nutmeg


I struggle with depression.

At the moment, I am testing my resolve and limits by not taking my needed monthly injection. I will next week however, after not taking it for over six weeks.

Imagine all the people over the centuries who were born with this ‘disability’ who never knew what this was. How they had to suffer through physical and emotional weakness to a point where they just can’t function on a day to day basis. I am testing my resolve to see where I stand without the medication I have been taking since I was 17.

The result is this:

– In the transitioning point between being asleep to waking up, my vulnerable emotional state is extremely sensitive and I tend to break down. I either get extremely angry over an issue or extremely upset.

– My raw sexual emotions come out.

– Everything that makes up who I am on a day to day basis becomes a shadow, much like Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde.

When I finally get out of that phase, I become ‘normal’ again. However, throughout the day, I feel the effects of depression which sometimes lead to anxiety attacks.

Of course, improving my financial situation will give a much needed boost in the way I feel, but this in itself is a problem that stems from my childhood. It has been a snowball effect since I was very young.

Confidence is mutually exclusive to depression. Leslie Cheung is a good example. Highly successful, has done a lot of charitable work, made millions, adored by millions, had lots of supportive friends and yet he committed suicide in 2003 at the age of 46.

People who hadn’t suffered from depression often think it is simply an application of the mind and to surround oneself with supportive friends and family. If it was really that simple, even the strongest and most successful people in this world would not leap from hotel buildings, pull the trigger of their shotgun, take a mix of drugs and booze then jump in front of oncoming traffic. It’s not that simple. Ultimately, depression can only be lessen and not wiped away. Even then, depression is something that the person suffering from can only solve. Others around them can only watch and possibly react a little.

So what happens when the moment of the day come around and swallow me in pain and suffering? I no longer retreat to wine and liquor, though I have to confess I do miss that sweet alcohol like Bombay Gin and Port. What I do is apply my mind as much as I can. When the depressing feelings roll in, I let it brew for a few moments, then force myself to think about the more positive aspects of my situation. Rather than brood on “I want to die”, I instead tell myself, “It’s just a matter of time” coinciding wealth and happiness. Of course, I do have to admit that it’s hard to think like that when I’ve been doing so much with so little gain in the last decade.

It feels like there is nothing to look forward to. Not because there isn’t. It’s because my depression is actually quite overwhelming. My friends only see a small portion of that and come to some form of conclusion that I am not well, but “I am not well” is an understatement. It’s like saying it’s a firecracker exploding, when in fact, it feels like a star going nova.

Plus, these strange headaches don’t make the situation any better. So I definitely do need to take my injections again and soon. I don’t think I can withstand this debilitating illness any longer as it consumes me from inside out.

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Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

We are few. Stay safe. (•̀ᵥᵥ•́)