Spongey Muffins

8:15pm

(Ref: to Spongey’s first comment for THIS entry)

Hahahahaha… No, I rather go and pick you up cuz that means I don’t have to go to work. I’ll get come get you, and if you want lunch or a snack/drink, we can go somewhere for that. After I drop you off home, I’ll head over to work at 2pm or so and then get off at 5pm. It’s good. 8]

No, the stress I have been feeling is related to overall burden. Though my mom helps, I feel that ultimately, I am quite alone in this matter.

The point of the previous entry was to give myself spiritual comfort. Sometimes, I am not as strong as I seem. As contradicting as this may sound, sometimes, I have to verbally/mentally vent my words out in a format in which to show myself that what I am doing is all part of a larger plan. Sometimes, amidst all the stress, I lose track of things.

Unfortunately, some people don’t know how to read pass initial statements, and find themselves offended by such entries that have more than just a few meanings. Alas, if the entry was meant to attack or ridicule people, then I wouldn’t have expressed my comments this way. I think of all the people that have known me, none of the people that know me today have seen me angry before. If Pat’s anger is like a 1000 kg bomb, and Albert’s… Actually, no one can compare to Albert. He’s just the big bang. BOOM!

Being insulted personally is something rare and few. I get irritated if someone close enough to me continues to misunderstand me. I get insulted/offended if a person who isn’t in the design industry tells me how to achieve something when it is blatantly not the right path. I get extra sensitive to people who attack and ridicule my family/friends without base judgment and reasoning. I get insulted if someone bundle up judgment against me, as opposed to picking out individual aspects and giving me constructive criticism. Yet, even when the said things come into play, how often do any of you find me expressing myself towards you?

With that said, as with my unfortunate relationship with Cindy, I have a very deep and very forgiving heart. It’s weird isn’t it? That is, that I am speaking to myself here…

The stress is a lot less than before now. I’ve carried this mental burden around for awhile now, and by releasing it last night, it gave me a bit more space to move my thoughts around.

In short, I was worried that maybe I am not living up to my own expectations in both my jobs. With last week and the 3 weeks before that, I was so swamped with work. I had some corporate stuff I have to do for Razor, including a massive report of all the stuff I did for our confidential project, as well as the retail/wholesale site for The Blue Monkey, portfolio for Stern & Associates, a massive video for my day company – I actually got transferred to another company for that. Then I have to think about home-life. My mom and my dad is hiding things from me. I know from their faces. Then my dad talks to my mom about the sold property in HK, about all the damn stuff that’s still happening with that.

Just so many things, so many other things. My dad and my mom is clearing things up right now, so when I take over, things would be easier for me to handle. For example, the house we’re living in right now will be transferred to my name, and I will have to take over the entire remaining mortgage. That’s one thing. On the side, I have to keep a savings in case anything happens to my parents/family. Then on another side, I have savings for myself – some big plans for the long term I can’t quite share here. Then my mom wants me to fund my cousin Christina’s tuition to UVic. And of course, as usual, there are many other things too.

The person who again got somewhat hurt that I used her as a part of my entry, in pointing out one aspect, mistook the meaning behind the issue. Which I have to say is fucking annoying, but she has some really good examples to use. Sometimes, I think, so and so has a good life, or so and so doesn’t have much of a stressful life, and so on, and it reinforces my beliefs in how to engage my own issues. Like Albert had massive problems coinciding many things in February this year. There hasn’t been anything in my life thus far that reaches that particular level of stress and emotional pain. When I look at his experience back a few months ago, I relate that to myself and further reinforce that I will never allow myself to go through that because of so and so.

Thus when I take certain people’s relative stress levels and happiness and integrate it into my own thoughts, what I am doing is jestering with myself – “If only we can trade places” or “If only my life revolves solely around myself”. It’s like one of those things that you place yourself into someone else’s shoes and compare it that way. It’s different than comparing yourself with someone else. Doing that is meaningless, but putting yourself in those shoes allows yourself to reflect in some aspects.

Before I was transferred from Brandon Enterprises to Pacific Telescopes, I often thought that my boss Jean is a really cool lady. She’s really friendly, funny sometimes, and a great sales woman, but doesn’t make a very good boss. I felt that there was a great deal of stress on her side, and I had a feeling that the reason why she asked me to take on the Photokina 2006 project was because ultimately, she wanted me to transfer over to PT permanently, as she felt her company was failing.

I don’t like working at PT, but it keeps me focussed. It pays a tiny bit more, and that translates to having the ability to help my family out more.

It’s one thing to “think” and another to be “thoughtful”.

^^ Jenny & Albert at Steveston Village – 08/13/2006

8:28pm