A Million Miles Inside

2:17am

[“Numero Deux” by The Dining Rooms]

I finally finished Zipang, after being introduced to it more than two months ago. An excellent alternate historical story based around a Japanese cruiser from the 21st century that got transported back to 1942. The ending sucked, but the movie itself is really good. I give it an 8 out of 10.

While watching this movie (26 episodes actually), a few things here and there came to mind. I thought about what my mom said to me throughout my life as I grew up. She said that there aren’t many people out there that can mature fast enough, or understand things to certain levels, as well as tame a person’s heart even after many years of experiencing life and the world.

Sometimes with the amount of stress I get on a daily basis, the child deep inside of me want to come out and just ball its eyes out. However I think it’s due to the conditioning I have received over the last few years especially that have buried that child so deep, that no matter how much ‘ache’ I have at the bottom of my throat, or how much quivering I have just above my heart, I cannot achieve what that ‘child’ wants to do.

I’m not going to say who this person is, but after reading it, s/he will know who I am talking about. I was thinking when s/he said that her/his parents causes her/him stress and s/he can’t take it, and must leave the house to pursue her/his own interests, there was a large portion of my thoughts that reinforced my own beliefs. For example, my mom told me that before my dad and my mom were married, my dad was very patient, very tolerant, and smooth, etc. After they got married, with the failed seafood & grocery store in Cambie Plaza during the 80’s, and after about 25 years of working in a waitering environment, amongst other things, my dad had gradually become a very ill-tempered person. His words not only stung, but buried quite deep within my mom, my bro, and my own consciousness throughout the years. He wasn’t an abusive parent. He just wasn’t good at controlling his tempers.

[“Aerith’s Theme (Piano Version)” from the FF7 OST]

It wasn’t until the late 90’s, after the death of my dad’s mom (his dad passed away in 1992), that he became a lot better with his temper. He stopped smoking completely. Stopped drinking as much. Stopped most of his worst and bad habits. Then again, that’s because both his sons have started to grow up. As my brother became more and more independent, I became more and more understanding of my dad and my mom. [ponders] I wouldn’t say I’ve gotten closer to my dad, but I can say that I no longer see my dad as my king… Well, not completely.

Like last night (Wednesday), my brother and I took my dad and my mom to Wah Wing in Richmond to celebrate my dad’s 61st (60th for Westernized years) birthday based on the Dragon Calendar. Gradually, like the recent years before this one, my dad actually took the initiative to talk to me.

Sometimes, when I walk up or down the stairs at home, I would walk up or down slowly and observe my parents sitting in the living room. I would wonder what if one day, one of my parents passed away, then what would the other do? How would my dad feel, or how would my mom continue life without him? If my mom left this world, then my dad would be very lonely. He would drift, and eventually probably die of a broken heart, and vice versa.

So when my friend told me about the stress s/he feels at home, inside of me, I lower my head and think that the type of stress s/he feels is like what a 5 year old would feel if cornered by a bully on a school yard. Where as the type of stress I feel is very constant, and it’s not just the feeling of stress itself – there is so much more.

[ponders]

Of most people I know and have met, I am one of the few that took one of the most difficult routes in trying to achieve what I want to achieve. My friend said s/he does not like to lose, but by losing, s/he can learn to better her/himself. That is a humble way to look at things, and I do agree. Thus with this said, I look back at not even a decade of my life thus far and I look and reflect on every moment I pour my soul, my heart, my mind, and my energy and effort to, and in every single one of those moments, I look at how I failed, how I got to that failing point, and how I slowly and gradually pulled myself back up again, and again, and again, and again, and so on and so forth.

Albert and I had a conversation about maturity a few days ago, and in that conversation I told him that just because a person is independent, it doesn’t make him or her mature. As with this, on Sunday, during a ride around the Dyke trails in Richmond, we rested at Steveston Village, where a man asked us to move ourselves and our bikes to another location away from the entrance of a restaurant. I could have cared less and moved, but Albert and Jenny told me they minded because they didn’t like what others tell them to do.

That night as I layed in bed, trying to pass out, I thought that there are many things in this world to take into consideration and this thing isn’t one of them. At the very least, not to me. I agree that if it was someone who doesn’t know anything and tries to ‘teach’ me how to do my own job, then I may get offended and defend myself, but there are many trivial things in this world that just isn’t worth a single speck of thought.

I brought this up because it reminds of what my other friend said about stress and stuff. When I constantly, every waking day, every night like tonight and all the nights before this night, when I wake up, shower, change, drive, go to work, get off work, hang out with friends, go to family functions, answer emails, call up people, etc, etc, etc – when I have to constantly feel this massive amount of stress, sometimes, I wish I can unbury the child inside of me and let him lose.

I don’t think that part of me really deserves this. Then again, this is reality. It’s a part of me. I can’t just open the doors and say, “Here you go. You’re free now.”

[chuckles] Yeah, I’m perverted, a bit wild, sometimes obnoxious, I laugh out of the blue, I like to jester, tease, and try to have a good time, but it’s always the same. I always feel like I am a puppet master, puppeteering myself from above or behind. I am constantly aware of what I am doing, what other people are doing, how we’re interacting, etc.

Stress, pain, torment, depression, sadness, happiness, joy, excitement, comfort is all relative to a person. Of course I know. That’s what I always say. Just as a person’s salary is relative to their industry and not to the whole of the entire job force.

So whatever my friends and family feel, are relative to their own experiences and their own spiritual and mental will-powers.

[“Ignited (Piano Version)” by Toshihiko Sahashi]

With that said, that’s why I always give my support to them when I feel they need it. So unlike my parents when they were stressed out, I would always try to remember not to exert my experiences to my ‘future children’, or to any people, unless they ask for/about it specifically. I confess I do feel a bit irritated that some friends and some associates tell me about their stress and when I automatically compare my stress levels, it’s just so uncomparible. Then again, like I said, all that is relative to an individual and not to everyone.

As with my email signature for the last little while:

It is only one who is thoroughly acquainted
with the evils of war that can thoroughly understand
the profitable way of carrying it on.

– Sun Tzu

With the above, I sometimes wonder about the wars in the middle east. There is nothing profitable about it within the middle east, yet all that war was initiated by the actions of the United States and the Bush Admin. It is highly profitable for them, and they never cared about the rest of the world. Those that wage war, suffer through war, losing friend and family, losing their lives and savings, heritage and beliefs… Just so another country may profit from it…

Fortunately, I have never experienced war. My grand parents on both sides of the family has. Hong Kong was raped by the Japanese invasion forces in World War 2. It’s amazing how my dad’s parents came out alive and gave birth to my dad in 1946. It’s almost uncanny how people can make love just barely after the war. I guess pain, suffering, and fear is a great aphrodisiac eh? 8]

Like a recent previous entry – just trying to take things easy. I have enough on my plate – actually way too much. [laughs hysterically] Anyone want to trade with me for a month?

For the longest time, I thought that a part of life was to look for yourself, to find yourself. However, I woke up to a line that a random character on the net expressed, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Indeed, if life was about finding oneself, then I already found myself. Considering that life is in fact by natural phenomena about creating oneself, then I am far from completing myself.

^^ On top of the #7 Road over-pass above the Richmond Freeway (eastward) – 08/15/2006

[ponders]

And will I ever complete myself?

[smiles thoughtfully]

No. Never.

3:12am