Super Massive Black Holes

2:15am

A huge fascination of mine since childhood was the idea of super massive black holes. In my early teens, I even developed my own super long term sci-fi story, that I am still working on today. It’s an ongoing project that I have never mentioned to anyone except to my grade 9 counsellor. It also had a major influence on a 2003 project I tried to start, but it didn’t go very far.

Anyway, so about super massive black holes, you probably guessed that this entry isn’t really about super massive black holes, but aren’t they a very cool idea? Super massively dense things with a huge amount of gravity, drawing things at the speed of light and beyond, into its ‘centre’. Imagine I can find my home ‘inside’ there…? Who knows, maybe we’re all and the same… [wink]

[“Yume no tamago” by Ichiko Hashimoto]

I gave Rene a call on Tuesday after she caught me on MSN. We talked for about an hour and a bit. She basically gave her life’s story for the last one and a half years. It’s nice to catch up. She’s definitely changed… Upgraded herself, learned stuff, and adjusted her ways for the positive. I’m happy that she grew up a bit more. Mind you, I couldn’t get much of a word in about my side of the universe. Alas, such is my relationship with Rene.

[“Velveteen” by Yoko Kanno]

Her cat Gravy was rubbing up against the phone near the end of our conversation and purring. [smiles] So fuzzy now that I think about it. 83

[Thinks: why am I drinking milk when there is half a dozen cans of Kokanee downstairs?]

[“Anytime, Anywhere” by Sarah Brightman]

So what’s the point of this entry? Aside from one dream I had about being a taxi cab, driving people places during the first half of the day, and driving a girl that looks like a cross between Emma and Sasha, from her barn/farm house to the corn field to pick up corn, and driving her back home for the last half of the day – I have been having other dreams that aren’t considered nightmares, but they have been making me uncomfortable. (Wow, what a long drawn out sentence!) In the past, I usually recorded my dreams, but after my split with Ms. Evil Meow, I stopped recording most of my dreams. As you guessed it, yes, some of the non-recorded dreams have Cindy in them.

I believe they are transitional dreams. I don’t remember them, but I feel that they are dreams where I am being ‘given away’. Hard to explain really.

For example, for the last week and a half, I’ve been trying to find new biking partners, since Patrick has started his job at UBC, and playing tennis almost every chance he gets. I don’t mind cycling with Emma more often. We talk and stuff like that, and it’s comfortable being around her. However, I tend to have a lot on my mind and usually cycling as hard and as fast as I can allows me to release some of my thoughts indirectly. Cycling is like an acting heat sink, that ‘cools’ off the ‘chaotic’ thoughts from the inside. Then again, there is something almost contradicting here – I want a cycling partner, but I want to cycle alone. In other words, I want to go cycling with someone who can match my speed or something similar. It gives me further focus…

Ah forget it.

So what I was trying to get at here was that when I went cycling with Emma, then with Albert and Jenny, what I was hoping to do was refocus my ‘heat sink’. Of course, it didn’t work. With Emma, we ended up talking about stuff, which is totally cool with me. I’m happy she can share some of her thoughts with me. With Albert, he tends to get ruffled by the simplest ‘problems’. I’ve dealt with many problems in my life, and having broken gears, non-working brakes, a grumpy dad is very minor compared to what can be achieved afterwards. Eg: some of my rides with Pat end up being an hour or more ‘late’, usually because we have to go get something or do something to our tire tube, etc.

[“By Your Side” by Sade]

Yes, what I was trying to get at here is that all my solo bike rides have become a release for me. Everything I am doing seems like a transitional phase. Feels like parts of me are dying, drying up, and shedding (like that big hairy spider).

Jon once suggested that the reason Albert asks so many questions corresponding his problems, desires, and choices, even drilling us about them, is that he needs some sort of reassuring about the things he chooses to do and to have. Over the years, though I give him my complete spiritual and emotional support, I haven’t really given him reassurance on the things he had chosen to do. Ultimately really, it’s up to him. I will give him my piece of mind, and he will question that, even get super mighty irritated about it, but that’s my perspective. The thing is, in the end, whatever Albert chooses to do or to think or to behave, is not wrong. Whether it is right on the other hand, is something up to him to decide.

For me, I have a lot of questions I wish I can ask my brothers and my closest friends about. In fact, I probably have a lot more than Albert, but the thing with me is that I ‘fear’ burdening others with my thoughts. Thus I keep 95% of my thoughts to myself. Even in these blogs, they incorporate that 5%. I am a super sensitive person – not in terms of being emotional, but more so in terms of nearly instantaneously have sense of how the other person feels or takes things.

Sometimes, it seems like I talk a lot, but if you listen to the entirety of my words, I’m not really saying much of anything. Think of them as rant and blabber.

[“Samba é Amor” by Bebel Gilberto]

In fact, I wish I can speak my heart out. Unfortunately, I have never done that before. Though Albert knows some of my thoughts, I believe he only really have heard about 15% of them. Sometimes, it is pretty difficult to take these solo strolls on the Western Dyke trail, or cycle around Ditchmond by myself, having these constant stream of thoughts flowing through every crevice of my internal mechanics.

A few days ago, I thought about reopening my private journals and start a new series. The Romulus series took over 500 pages, single spaced at font 10. I thought I can just enter them here and password protect them, but there is a reason why I keep offline entries. Hmmm… I just don’t feel like it. I feel like it’s time to put down the bottle of red wine, and possibly switch to something lighter. It’s really not me… Any of this, but then again, it is.

When some people say they are private people, they are basically saying they don’t feel comfortable in sharing their private info to others. When I don’t share my thoughts to people, I don’t feel any discomfort in terms of revealing my thoughts. Instead, like I said, I just don’t like to burden others with my words.

Slightly off-topic… I don’t know whether Albert will ever read this or not, but for awhile now, I have been thinking about his cousin Leo. I gradually sorted out the blocks of ideas and gradually realized why he does what he does. Life is so much simpler that way. I think I can live life like that. I’m not sure if it is apparent to Albert, but I’ve taken steps to kind of steer that way. Of course, I won’t do anything to compromise the security and happiness of my family, but to do with me personally… Mhm…

This song is nice.

BTW, that last picture from Kagaya is my favorite one. I once told Jessica this a few years ago. She asked me why, and I told her that it holds a lot of symbolic sentiments for me. No one can ever know unless they have my thoughts, and possibly my experiences and the feelings that associate to them.

Serenity – what a gorgeous concept.

I forgot which day it was – I think it was Sunday that I went for that bike ride with Emma. During our light dinner at Fogg N Sudds in Ditchmond, she was telling me about something I never considered. Weird how I never considered that. Makes me feel immature to never had that idea in the first place really.

We were on the subject of people with money and ability. In the past, I thought I can never express my actual wealth and my actual assets to any potential mates in the future because there is a superficial ‘risk’ right there. Somehow, I gave her a scenario: if one day something happened in my family, and I got depressed, or something happened at the company and I got fired, and I became sorrowful and money wasn’t coming in, I lost weight, I couldn’t sleep properly, I became really moody, etc, etc, what is the possibility of a woman today staying with her man to try to bring him back up without feeling drawn down?

Cindy proved to me that this possibility was very low – nearly non-existing. Others? I’ve met so many women (most of which were not my potential gf’s) that felt the same way. There were the very rare few that would stay through trying times and not cheat (then again, those are also the same type of women I wasn’t too attracted to).

Anyway, Emma brought up a point that women may not only look at a man’s wealth. A woman may actually be attracted a man’s abilities. A man’s wealth is a result to his abilities. I know this is NOT foreign to me, BUT the thing that I didn’t connect before was the attraction to his abilities aspect.

So if I buy a Porsche 911 Turbo next year, a 500 sq-ft apartment somewhere along Garden City, and give my family continuous allowances, as well as dress more nicer, go to work at Razor’s office in downtown, and continue to cycle and go to the gym, lead my design team and occasionally travel to various spots around the world – what type of women will be attracted to that? The majority of Vancouver professional women? Why’s that? Is that because of my wealth or my ability. Obviously, they either think I am A) a rich sod whom my daddy pays for everything, or B) a guy who takes care of himself on his own, or C) is married to some wealthy 80 year old woman.

So how does a woman become attracted to man’s ability when the first thing they see is someone who looks great walking down a street, or driving his nice car, not minding anyone? They are obviously attracted to his 1) possible good looks, 2) his style, 3) his assets, and/or 4) the fact he has all of these and possibly more.

As you can see, I can also be like Albert. Just that I don’t ask anyone else about my thoughts and calculate them inside my tiny head.

The thing is, I am trying to deny myself potential companionship because of these thoughts by analysing them this way. Am I not logical?

Emma said something that made sense, but that is only if the girl was sincerely interested in getting to know the guy better over a period of time. Then again, with today’s social politics of the contemporarily fake, it’s really hard to gauge.

So like I said, I’ve been kind of steering towards Leo’s way – just a bit.

Good song, btw… Same one… 8]

What I am really looking for, is someone whom I can share my thoughts to, without feeling like its a burden to them. Honestly, I know I will never find anyone that I can share my thoughts with. Yet again, the strolls on the Western Dyke trail is mine alone, as my thoughts are always mine alone.

Eternal, indeed.

3:31am