Indeed Katsushika Hokusai actually made 36 wood-block prints of Mount Fuji, but this entry isn’t about Mount Fuji in its actuality, nor is it really about Hokusai.
I remember back in Fine Arts 11, I did a presentation on Hokusai. That presentation sucked ass. Looking back on it again and again didn’t justify my stupidity. However, Hokusai was an interesting enough character for me to remember his work throughout all these years. Then again, it might just be the stupidity associated with that presentation that has made me remember Hokusai and his ‘famous’ wood-block prints.
[“Age Of Love” by Jam & Spoon]
Since the last time I went to Also Lounge with Patrick way back in the first week of April, I have been a bit ‘lonely’ in terms of just having someone to talk to, or be with someone to share almost anything with. Considering Jon is on the other side of Canada, Laura is across the Pacific Ocean, Ben is well, also across the Pacific Ocean, Jessica is busy sorting out her life, Albert is angry most of the time and is angry like corn kernels in a microwave for 5 minutes, and Ed might as well be called Elsie (his integration into The Elsie should be complete by now), and Carlo is a nice person but he’s generalized in his views and afraid of taking sides, so I will never go to him for anything.
I forgot Patrick… Hahaha… How could I eh? Well, I can’t talk to him about my thoughts. He’s a cool guy to hang out with, watch movies, talk about random things, go biking, hiking, outdoors stuff, and do some movies together… …eventually, but as much as there are some moments where he tells me deeper things, I can’t see myself telling him any deeper things from my end. It’s because when I open myself up that way, I put down my usual ‘facade’ and delve into darker areas of myself. Sometimes, I wish I can cut out that part of my brain…
I could call up Marlon, Graeme, and even a few others, but I’m just tired-out emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Marlon and Graeme are very special exclusive individuals who’s minds are very concentrated in their beliefs. They are also very mellow people who has experienced a lot more than the people I’ve mentioned above. When I meet and talk with Marlon, it’s like the time we take to talk to each other spans out to decades of spiritual information. Talking with Graeme is about the same, except there’s a lot of wit and humor involved. [laughs]
^^ One of the famous tsunami wood-block prints by Hokusai.
The primary reason I am kind of still looking is actually I am giving myself the known-illusion that I can possibly find someone I can talk to. There is a problem with me is that I deny myself the possibility to share my super deep thoughts with anyone close to me. They can spill their guts to me, sure, I’ll listen, give my two zillion yen, etc, but when it comes to me, I cannot speak my heart. Meaning, I cannot open myself up, not even to Albert or Jon.
I am a very sensitive person – meaning, I can pick up someone’s willingness and desire to want to listen to me, as well as all the other more mundane aspects of day to day interactions with people, with inanimate objects, text, etc. I can’t read minds, but I find myself better aligned at reading people’s expressions, moods, mental-instabilities, and so on. More often than not, actually, 99% of the time, I find myself almost starting something but never continuing it. For example, Jon was over last year around Christmas. He was lying on the floor talk with me about something. We went silent for awhile, then he asked me what I was thinking about. I started the sentence but manipulated the sentence to sound like it was something else. Eg: “I was thinking that I…” Then continued it with, “…think you need go home to sleep. You look more than just out of it man.”
What I really wanted to tell him was something like, “I was thinking that I need to stop bottling up all these thoughts and emotions. I wish I can share with someone close to me about everything, but I can’t.” For sure, Jon will ask, “Why can’t you tell any of us?”
I would then reply, “Because I ‘fear’ that it would burden your already-burdened minds. Plus, my thoughts are trivial enough to be kept inside.”
Mind you, after I ‘lied’ about what I told him versus what I really wanted to tell him, he went silent for a few seconds and asked, “So what’s on your mind?” [laughs] He knows me quite well… At least he makes the effort in trying to pry things out of me. Which is admirable and makes things fun and embarrassing sometimes too… 8]
I know that Jon will continue to try to get things out of me. He’s done that before, and I would say he’s succeeded 70% of the time. Nowadays, I make it a good habit of not starting anything beforehand. That’s why whenever he comes onto MSN, I always ask him what he’s been doing for fun, or whether he’s been thinking about anything, etc. Our conversations usually become very disgusting, which is fine, and oddly, it can last for two hours of just disgusting talk. [laughs]
I miss the time when someone would just sit there with me, quiet, and then ask me, “What’s on your mind?”
Yes, Albert does ask me that from time to time, and I always answer, “Random things. Like why that ad on that bus looks like so and so.”
Indeed, I have a lot of thoughts, and these journals have become a lot less effective over the years. As I grow older, my body grows more tired, and I chain my ideas to the heavy ground, I also realize that I’ve really been kidding myself these last few months.
Today, I drew my conclusion that when I’ve been through betrayal to the various levels in the past, I have found the types of friends that work for me and definitely the type of people that just don’t. Amongst many factors, there is solid history between myself and people like Jon, Albert, Marlon, Graeme, and Ben – Jon and Albert especially. I mean, Cindy was correct enough in saying sometime in late 2004 that a person’s friends reflect the character of the person. I wouldn’t say I am like them, but we incorporate each other’s traits as individuals. I have always seen Jon, Albert, Marlon, Graeme, and Ben as powerful individuals with their positives, neutrals, and negatives as a whole. They aren’t extremes, but they are unique personalities. In that way, I don’t ever feel so much as an outcast to westernized social standards. Rather, I feel powerful as an individual.
However, as I mentioned, as time moves on, as I grow older, I feel that the more I ‘hide’ my ideas, thoughts, visions, and emotions from them, I also feel that I am becoming a lot weaker than before. Before, even if I knew I lacked in many areas, I was still very confident (and a bit arrogant) as if I just didn’t care about anything else. Albert seemed to really like that about me. Then again, that might be his corporate tyrant side… 8]
The day before (Tuesday), Albert, Jenny, Helen, and I went to some Taiwanese noodle place across from Metrotown. I was thinking most of the time I was there, while listening to Albert and Helen talk, that he should spend more time out with us. It might help steer him away from being so pissed off all the time. Try to mellow him out, considering that Ed, Helen, Gabe, and I are pretty mellow people.
Wait a sec… Did I just go off topic?
Anyway… I tire of this entry.
Oh yes, I should explain why “The 37 Views Of Mount Fuji”…
Metaphorically, I see the world, local standards, life, everything around me, integrated with me, related to me, etc, etc, etc as a massive constant multi-perspective. The 36 Views Of Mount Fuji is how I see things around me. Even people, individuals, their things, etc. That’s 36 times each and everything I can touch, feel, see, smell, hear, and sense. So what is the 37th view? The 37th view is actually the infinite constant perspective of the ‘2nd’ and ‘3rd’ PoV towards myself. It’s really a very complicated paradox, yet not really – I’m only saying this in the PoV of a random generalized person.