With Wine In My Heart

2:42am

Tune: “I Do” by Ilaria Graziano
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port

There has always been one picture from our family photo albums that I can not get out of my mind, and I just realized I need more wine…

Life’s blood.

Thinking on that one picture, it’s at Stanley Park when I was about a year old. My mom was sitting on the stones where the Seawalk is. She was holding me, and my dad was the one taking the picture. It was a beautiful sunny day with the Lion’s Gate Bridge and Cypress Mountain in the background. The scenario was near the mini lighthouse with the dragon cannon. I think that’s where it was.

They don’t know that I have all these thoughts and stuffs, but I’m not one to share that side of me to them. It will only worry them.

I don’t know. Sometimes, I wish I can grant them the ultimate wish, and I don’t want their wish to be based around what best for me and my brother. My brother can definitely take care of himself, and I will save money in case he ever needs it. For my parents, I wish that they would choose something for themselves.

[nods]

I wish I am me now, with the ability to go back to that day as a spirit, and just watch my parents and myself at a year old under that bright sunny day. I think a lot of parents hope that their kids grow up to be strong and healthy and free of worry, at least, not sad or in pain, [thinks for a bit] but as their son, I wish I could have been a better son, at least, without all these mental and emotional and physical ailments.

Yeah…

It’s hard sometimes, but it’s life.

I remember growing up through my teenage years. I was very rebellious. As I am at my current age, I wonder how much shit my mom went through for me and for my dad. There is no one, no god in the entire universe that can replace her. Yes, I’ve had my share of arguments with her, but I can’t treat as if she was and is perfect. Like me, like all of us, she has her human flaws as well as her perfections. If I had to die and come back again, choosing the parents I can choose, I would choose my parents now again.

I think…

In my entire life, I had never been asked or hinted to that I have to move out at 18, nor did I have to pay rent to my parents, nor did I have to forcefully contribute back, or anything like that. The most common thing I have ever heard my mom and my dad say in Cantonese was, “Save for yourself. Look out for yourself. Just come back every weekend and have dinner with us.”

Heh, yeah, well… I can’t continue this entry here, but I’ll say this through words…

Thanks mom, thanks dad.

3:02am