Kith & Kin

With Wine In My Heart

2:42am

Tune: “I Do” by Ilaria Graziano
Drink: Fonseca Bin 27 Port

There has always been one picture from our family photo albums that I can not get out of my mind, and I just realized I need more wine…

Life’s blood.

Thinking on that one picture, it’s at Stanley Park when I was about a year old. My mom was sitting on the stones where the Seawalk is. She was holding me, and my dad was the one taking the picture. It was a beautiful sunny day with the Lion’s Gate Bridge and Cypress Mountain in the background. The scenario was near the mini lighthouse with the dragon cannon. I think that’s where it was.

They don’t know that I have all these thoughts and stuffs, but I’m not one to share that side of me to them. It will only worry them.

I don’t know. Sometimes, I wish I can grant them the ultimate wish, and I don’t want their wish to be based around what best for me and my brother. My brother can definitely take care of himself, and I will save money in case he ever needs it. For my parents, I wish that they would choose something for themselves.

[nods]

I wish I am me now, with the ability to go back to that day as a spirit, and just watch my parents and myself at a year old under that bright sunny day. I think a lot of parents hope that their kids grow up to be strong and healthy and free of worry, at least, not sad or in pain, [thinks for a bit] but as their son, I wish I could have been a better son, at least, without all these mental and emotional and physical ailments.

Yeah…

It’s hard sometimes, but it’s life.

I remember growing up through my teenage years. I was very rebellious. As I am at my current age, I wonder how much shit my mom went through for me and for my dad. There is no one, no god in the entire universe that can replace her. Yes, I’ve had my share of arguments with her, but I can’t treat as if she was and is perfect. Like me, like all of us, she has her human flaws as well as her perfections. If I had to die and come back again, choosing the parents I can choose, I would choose my parents now again.

I think…

In my entire life, I had never been asked or hinted to that I have to move out at 18, nor did I have to pay rent to my parents, nor did I have to forcefully contribute back, or anything like that. The most common thing I have ever heard my mom and my dad say in Cantonese was, “Save for yourself. Look out for yourself. Just come back every weekend and have dinner with us.”

Heh, yeah, well… I can’t continue this entry here, but I’ll say this through words…

Thanks mom, thanks dad.

3:02am

One thought on “With Wine In My Heart

  1. Sounds like my mom…she always just says “Just call once every week to let me know you are ok and come home and visit during the holidays”

    Your parents will never ask or want anything other than for you and your brother to succeed…so in this case, being selfish and making sure you do well is the unselfish thing to do. Continue to do your part in the family like you have for so long and things will work out just fine.

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Disclaimer

Leemanism is about my views, my thoughts, and my feelings with as little filtering as possible. These concepts are not reflected in the people I value and are associated with. People who accept me, adhere to the parts where we are compatible and tolerate the parts where we are not. So however people perceive me to be, ultimately it obviously doesn't mean the friends I mention in this blog are the same as me. It means it's possible they are similar or the same, as well as different than me. It is highly unusual for people to be completely compatible with each other.

With that out of the way, and to make things clear, I never said I am a good person, nor am I trying to be one, though I would rather live with the empathetic than with the cruel. I would not deliberately do harm. I rather stand up against injustice than to pretend it doesn't exist. However, I understand consequences. The police is there to enforce the law, but not deter crimes from happening. Which means people must do what they must do to protect themselves, before the law of the land takes over and even then, the law of the land isn't there to protect you. It's there to protect the general consensus. Even if you may be right, society may deem you wrong - even most of your friends may side with society, than protect you. The law will almost always side with society.

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